#anyway rant done its 1:30 am im gonna go back to! writing!

[poems-of-a-lover]

i will never understand the "stop casting straight actors as gay characters" argument. people just wanna out gay actors so they can have a better grasp on who to hate.

[leoolol2]

29/09/2024

I wasn't expecting something this big, but here is my second day of writing.

anotação pro meu psicólogo: o senhor pode me fazer um relatório pra eu ir pro psicólogo da minha mãe, por favor? ela queria que eu fosse porque eu realmente tô com dificuldade de estudar mesmo estudando fora do meu quarto, e ela achava que o meu quarto era o problema. :) obrigado.

Well, I can't sleep. Like, at all. So here I am, already writing this in 2:30 AM! I probably will have an all-nighter and wtv, I should be productive tonight.

I was a bit productive, doing some of my math homework and watching some mvs from my fav bands until 4 am and then just passing out. I then woke up at 9, and my mom wrote some of my fav bands on my nails! i forgot to mention yesterday that i painted my own nails at night. (mcr and p!atd). i also took a bath in the morning and washed my hair; something i think i havent done for about 1 or 2 weeks? i think im getting worse, mental health wise, but i dont know. i'll update this once the afternoon ends. I also ranted a bunch about mcr and fob to my mom, and she complained about linkin park to me. i love my mom and having similar interests with her! My brother came to visit us today! :)

I ate some actual meal today: broccoli, rice, just a bit grinded meat, sweet potato, and normal potato. The broccoli tasted like shit. I also drank peach tea. After lunch, we went back home and got my Nina the Killer cosplay jacket to a dressmaker so that she could put a zipper on it. We then went to get some icecream at McDonald's! I ranted a bunch about MCR again but this time to my brother. :)

After that we went back home and my family decided to put up the shelf I had on my floor for the longest time. It's a bit crooked, but I don't mind, honestly. I now have a bunch of shit I need to put up on the shelf once more, though. It's all on my bed, making me barely able to sit here and write this on my PC. Well, I should put up my stuff on my "new" shelf.

after scrolling through tumblr a bunch my mom did my nails for me. it was fun. i only got a top coat added because my black nail polish is on the verge of dying but its fine! i'll buy some later. my nails are not shiny, though.

i did some of my hw, and also got my piano out of under my bed! my friend also got me in contact w this russian boy, i think hes cute. hes in brazil too, so i rly hope he replies to my dm on insta.

im so so soo sleepy, so im gonna go sleep after i finish at least this teacher's hw. its 21:47, for the record. i didn't stay up that late today. still, im gonna post this. i hope whoever reads this has a good day!

꒰꒰・┄┄┄┄・rants section・┄┄┄┄・꒱꒱

this is a section i made up to see if any time i have any rants, i come here!

so it will be more in depth than the actual casual diary. (i also will mention when exactly i wrote it!)

12:52. thinking about how my therapist tells me to act as my own best friend. i dont know how, genuinely. i cannot. maybe i can suck my own dick sometimes and tell myself im so hot and the best person in the world, but thats obviously not true. its not like i feel like that all the time, either. from a day to another i suddenly feel like the worst person alive. its not as if someone tells me that i am, or something triggers me. i just feel that out of no where. but whatever.

16:22. My dad doesn't understand that yelling at my dog doesn't do anything. It just makes her madder and more pissed off at the world and makes me actually feel sick and about to cry. I want to protect her from everything. I don't want to be here, I want to go away with her and fuck everything else. I won't be missed probably anyway. The only people that would miss me is my online friends, who doesn't really know me in real life. Well, I guess some that have this blog can now know more about me. :)

16:26. Thinking about the ripped up letter. I wasted 2 hours of my night writing that for a girl who didn't even want me romantically. She just wanted to have fun, someone to kiss with no feelings truly attached. I guess that would be fun if my feelings didn't feel so extreme. Someone I love can become someone I despise just because of a small mistake they didn't really mean to do. Well, I try not to be too mad at them for that, but this isn't the case of that anyway. I wanted her to be my girlfriend but she didn't want to have anything romantic. She practically cut ties and said that she had shit for yesterday when she used to be so excited to see me some time ago. Maybe it was an excuse that she made. Either way, we're not talking. I don't really care about her. I care about the time and words of mine that she wasted.

17:46. i was listening to music and back to the old house reminds me of them so much. fuck. i miss frank.

17:59. i feel too feminine, doing my nails and liking girly things. my face is too feminine, my voice is too feminine. everything about me, the way i walk, talk, read out loud, interact with my friends. absolutely everything. i want to cry thinking about it because i dont want to. maybe this is an internalized issue of some sort. i really need to address this in therapy, probably.

18:17. I just noticed im going back to my "scenecore"/crunkcore phase. fuck. one of my worst, honestly.

18:30. just wanna mention how amazing i feel rn:3 feeling on top of the world is so good !!

18:58. winderson is making me rage. makes me want to punch him or throw it somewhere. but he's my baby, i cant do that.

[nobutfredweasleytho]

YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N

[eirosbraindump-blog]

BRAIN DUMP ENTRY #1

November 8, 2018

Thursday: around 10:30 in the morning

Hello, Joe!

It has been a long time since I called you that. Usually I would just slam words and feelings at you and have forgotten the reason why I named you Joe. i wanted to have someone whom I can always rely my stories to, and that is my journal, it is you Joe.

I wanted to have a friend whom I can trust the secrets of my life with, because as of now I don’t think I have one.

Side comment: Fuck, this is very unusual of me to do journaling early in the morning because most of the times I do this at night pero kailangan ko na magreflect. I need to do something productive because I think I’ve been wasting a lot of time.

______________________________________

Around almost 7 in the pm. Lol haha. Whut???

OKAAAAAAY, so it’s basically NOV. 9, I got distracted by movie watching yesterday and left this one hanging. I’m such a fool. I haven’t done anything productive and I’m pissed off with myself because even journaling, di ko matapos tapos. Sooooo yesterday I just watched a couple of movies (not that important) and then drowned myself on the internet, AGAIN.

Thoughts raging, scribbled memories and fucked up mind. That is basically who I am right now. I don’t even know what to write. I got a lot of thoughts going on in here.

I made iced oreo coffee btw. I’m proud, though i still have to perfect it. but I’m proud. Hehe

So back to my magulong sarili, I watched a movie a while ago. Crazy Rich Asians. It’s a good movie though, while watching that I have a lot going on in my mind. First, I got jealous with the girl because how can she be that lucky! Like oh my gosh Rachel, u got a crazy rich man like that who really loves you and then you only gonna turn him down! She is really a strong woman btw. Nick’s family hates her and she just got along with it. SECOND, arrrgh that movie made me feel how single I am and it made me miss my fckin ex-boyfriend AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. As much as I wanted to forget that asshole, I can’t. because you know what? He gave me two years of happiness that I can’t just forget, bet nobody can do that to me, even my family. Though I appreciate them, every moment of my life I’ve loved my family especially my parents. But there’s just something with Kiko that really made me who I am today. When I met him it was like I finally knew who I really am. I found myself you know? I learned so much for the past two years that I’ve known him. It taught me so much lesson. Life taught so much. I became to appreciate little things because of him. Although I know that we’re not that lowkey to everyone but our treatment, the way we treat each other is kami lang ang nakakaalam at kami lang ang nakakaramdam. Damn you, kiko. I loved you. I really did love you so much it came to the point that it broke my heart really bad. I still love you up until now though, but I don’t think I’m in the right position to love u like I loved you the way I did before.

Kani-kanina lang, I’ve watched a video about journaling, I forgot the name of the girl but there’s this one thing that she said that I can’t forget (though she just re-quoted it, she’s really not the one who said that, I think.) “Forgiveness is the way/road to Happiness.” I don’t think that I have completely moved on yet, I’d just lie to myself if I said that I already did, but I don’t know if I have completely forgave you, and I know that I have been a bitch at times to you (on social media) and to your girl. But that girl is really being a lowclass obsessive bitch she’s really like nagpaparinig sakin na parang mas affected pa siya kesa sating dalawa. Aarrrghh. I cant just be happy for you yet. You really broke my heart Ching. Anyways, as I was saying, that girl on the video also said to write a letter of forgiveness to someone because it will help yourself to freeload your bothering thoughts. So I decided to do that, not just now because I cant promise myself (yet) that I won’t get affected just by seeing your random jejemon-ish pic with the girl i-was-once-got-jealous-into-but-you-said-to-me-don’t-because-she’s-just-a-friend-who-turned-out-to-be-your-girlfriend-today together with you.

Aside from hating and loving my ex at the same time, I have more randomly important life-related thought still going into my head like: what am I going to be after graduation? because I never saw myself being an employee. I don’t know, whenever I think of what am I gonna be, I just see me walking with confidence together with high-fashioned business clothes with high heels and sunglasses inside a random office building. Maybe I’m gonna be a ceo or something. Haha. And then there’s this purpose chorvaness of me. like, what is really my purpose in life ba? What is my actual calling? Am I gonna be like this forever?

Eiro, you know yourself better than anyone else. I can see who am I on the inside, but theres this one thing that I can’t see that people can see: who am I on the outside. Let me give you an example kung gaano kagulo ang personality ko (idk if personality is the right term but. . .) 1. Before sembreak came, I was like ‘oh I should do something productive on sembreak, like I should re-learn photoshop, read books, learn something new and blablabla.’ Some of that happened syempre kasi I was in the urge of reconstructing and discovering me diba? I re-learned Photoshop but I stopped when I got proud of the first project that I made. I didn’t even bother continuing the second project. And then I read a book naman although–haha, I stopped, I don’t know why pero gabi ko kasi binasa yun tapos kinabukasan I didn’t bother to touch it. I cant say that it’s the same old eiro kasi di naman ako ganito dati. You know what? I’ll be harsh to myself, I became a fucking ningas cugon na!

(break muna nandito na parent ko hehe)

Bello. It’s NOV 13 na and I can’t even get this fucking done. It’s around almost 10:30PM so maybe I’ll be like medj sabaw na hahahaha. But I need to get this done you know?

So many things have had happened this past days. Im afraid that my parents are losing their sparks for each other, and I don’t want to let that just fade, so I always make a way to remind them the reason why they stayed at each other’s side. My mum can be stubborn sometimes and my dad is a big pain in the head. Theyre both a pain in the head.

My relationship with kiko is a big blessing in disguise. Yung mga lesson na natutunan ko is naapply ko sa mga magulang ko. And I’m proud of what I did to both of them. I have so many problems in life and I don’t want my family to be one of them. Aside from my friends, sila na lang ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at ayoko naman na pati sila ay maging dahilan ng pagsuko ko. Lord please give me strength.

My parents are okay now. I guess the advices that i gave to them works. I love them so much and it hurts me whenever I see them into cold war.

So yesterday, I have this kwento. I dreamt of kiko. I dont want to forget that dream kaya I immediately get my phone and wrote down what happened. Here’s what I wrote:

“11/12/18 4:47am grudgy and sleepy. but idon wanna forget this dream that i had. i meed to write this i had a dream i was with kiko we are on the fx daw and we were standing i know right haha basta fx yun you know dreams are weird sa pagkakaalam ko we were going to sm north edsa and i was hugging him while standing. and he keeps giving me forehead kisses. puta namiss ko yun. pero may isa akong nagawang mali, binitawan ko siya. kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya sa kadahilanang majudge ng mundo. were fckin doing pda on that ride. i hate myself for that. binitawan ko siya pota (nakuha tuloy ng iba). then i woke up. Lord, please stop giving me dreams like that. iniisip ko tuloy na sign siya or something. lalo po akong umaasa. please sana yung nangyari po na yun panaginip na lang na habang tumatagal nakakalimutan. i am happy Lord kasi having a relationship with kiko taught me so many lessons that i can say i already applied to some. i see it as a blessing in disguise. pero, how long will i keep hurting Lord?  -your broken daughter,Eiro.“

Yeah, I kinda forgot that ganyan pala yung mga sinulat ko.

Kiko having a girlfriend is a big slap on my face. I think I lowkey gonna accept pa if he broke up with me just to save the relationship, kaso hindi eh. Pinagpalit ako friend. Agad! Alam mo ba yung feeling na parang wala ka ng karapatan na mag selos at mangamusta man lang sa kanya kahit gusto mo kasi alam mong may nagmamayari na sa kanya? Yung parang ang only choice mo na lang is mag move on at parang wala ka na sa lugar masaktan? Though I’m really moving on, may mga times lang na pagdumadating yung mga dates na  ay kinalaman sa kanya is biglang bumabalik lahat ng sakit. All I have to do is wait for that day to be over. And it is so dumb of me because I didn’t even noticed that 4 fucking months have passed and the pain that I am feeling is the same like it just happened yesterday.

Anyways, you know I really need to stop talking about them no? kasi it’s bad for a moving on Eiro.

So It’s almost 11pm and this time is way passed my sleeping time. I just got a lot of brain dump going on that I need to write or else I think I’ll get crazy.

Kinakamusta ko lang naman yung sarili ko and I just really wanted to finsh this entry. And also I am requiring myself to reflect weekly, if not, monthly. Just so I see my improvements and how far I’ve come.

Another side story or cause di ko lang maisingit sa iba hahahah. I am so much thankful for my friends. They really helped me cope up with my problems and helped me get up in my broken situations.

And oh my gosh, nakakainis pala kasi Kiko is using our slangs when we were still a couple sa new gf niya. Like omg ang lame lang at nakakainis kasi. Di ko maexpress through sulat yung nararamdamn ko pero its like a big “PUTANGINA BAKIT?” to my face.

I know bashing them and ranting here are useless, pero kasi it helps me cope up with my problem. Kailangan ko lang mailabas to and to let myself believe that I’m the better one. Friends also said to me that the best revenge is to show them that you are not affected kasi pag pinakita mong apektado ka, ikaw yung talo. And to show kiko that you improved and that youre even happy without him is the best that you can give to him and to yourself.

Girl, I. AM. SERVING!!!

You got served mf a-hole together with your bitch! Jk I still care for you, Ching.

Oh right, shit. With these raging thoughts and feelings, I really need to write a letter to Kiko. Di nga lang yung letter of forgiveness hehe.

So I think that’s it for today, I still have a lot going on though. Hehe

- Confused Rose